1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,357 2 00:00:06,357 --> 00:00:09,920 Mark Bernstein: Hello everyone. 3 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:15,130 It's 4 o'clock. 4 00:00:15,130 --> 00:00:17,590 And we're going to start on time because it 5 00:00:17,590 --> 00:00:19,387 would be rude not to. 6 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:23,099 [CHEERS] 7 00:00:23,099 --> 00:00:25,140 It doesn't mean we're going to end early, though. 8 00:00:25,140 --> 00:00:28,600 Don't get your hopes up. 9 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:29,960 Thank you all for being here. 10 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,310 Thank you for choosing this workshop. 11 00:00:32,310 --> 00:00:34,200 There are a lot of really good choices, 12 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:38,360 and I'm really thrilled that you chose this one. 13 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:43,870 It is not true, however, as posted on the UU app 14 00:00:43,870 --> 00:00:46,230 that I am giving $10 to every person who 15 00:00:46,230 --> 00:00:50,525 attends this workshop. 16 00:00:50,525 --> 00:00:51,800 So Dino, sit down. 17 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,250 Don't you leave. 18 00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:56,395 My name is Mark Bernstein. 19 00:00:56,395 --> 00:01:01,360 I'm the Central East Regional Group growth consultant 20 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,760 of the Unitarian Universalist Association of the United 21 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:10,100 States of America of the planet Earth. 22 00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:11,900 I live in the Philadelphia area. 23 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,970 My home congregation is the UU Church 24 00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:17,350 of Delaware County in Media, Pennsylvania. 25 00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:19,630 Yay. 26 00:01:19,630 --> 00:01:26,070 And I'm really happy to be here with you this afternoon. 27 00:01:26,070 --> 00:01:29,240 This session is being recorded by the UUA, 28 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,640 and it's being videotaped by Central East Region. 29 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:36,230 So you will have the opportunity, 30 00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:44,310 if you are so moved, to see this and here this subsequent to GA. 31 00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:48,260 It will be up on the definitely on the CERG website 32 00:01:48,260 --> 00:01:59,550 at cerguua.org within a month or so of General Assembly. 33 00:01:59,550 --> 00:02:05,170 So it is available for you, and if you don't see it, 34 00:02:05,170 --> 00:02:06,430 you can contact me. 35 00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:07,940 I have some business cards. 36 00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:09,180 I'll get some more out. 37 00:02:09,180 --> 00:02:11,490 But my email address is mbernstein-- 38 00:02:11,490 --> 00:02:15,540 B-E-R-N-S-T-E-I-N-- @uua.org. 39 00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:19,070 So you don't have to take copious notes. 40 00:02:19,070 --> 00:02:21,210 If what we talk about resonates with you, 41 00:02:21,210 --> 00:02:23,010 you might want to note that. 42 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,770 What things are you going to bring back 43 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:25,800 to your congregation? 44 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,090 And hopefully there will be enough things 45 00:02:29,090 --> 00:02:33,360 that you can take back that will justify your spending this hour 46 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,610 and 15 minutes with me. 47 00:02:35,610 --> 00:02:37,540 One of the reasons that we're videotaping it 48 00:02:37,540 --> 00:02:40,015 is so that if this does resonate with you, 49 00:02:40,015 --> 00:02:43,380 you can show this at your congregation 50 00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:44,790 and then have conversations. 51 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:48,040 And that's how you begin to change the culture. 52 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:52,320 And that's what I'm hoping you'll be inspired to do. 53 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:56,070 So let me begin. 54 00:02:56,070 --> 00:03:00,360 So in the town that I live in, Springfield, Pennsylvania, 55 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:04,000 Delaware County-- Springfield Delaware County 56 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,910 not Springfield Montgomery County-- 57 00:03:06,910 --> 00:03:10,670 there is a traffic signal. 58 00:03:10,670 --> 00:03:15,460 Now, the crosswalk, the white lines across the street 59 00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:17,290 have always been there. 60 00:03:17,290 --> 00:03:22,610 But the town fathers realized that nobody was stopping. 61 00:03:22,610 --> 00:03:25,750 And so they installed one of those signs 62 00:03:25,750 --> 00:03:28,860 that you see in the middle there that says, 63 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,100 yield to pedestrians. 64 00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:32,990 They had to put several signs there 65 00:03:32,990 --> 00:03:36,800 because people were running over the signs with their cars. 66 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,020 People still weren't stopping. 67 00:03:39,020 --> 00:03:42,620 So then they installed the double blinking light 68 00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:46,630 that you see above the street with another sign with a person 69 00:03:46,630 --> 00:03:47,800 walking. 70 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,560 And people still did not stop. 71 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,680 I frequent that street a lot. 72 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,770 It's right in front of the Rite Aid pharmacy. 73 00:03:54,770 --> 00:03:56,100 You can't miss it. 74 00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:59,050 When I'm walking my dog or going to the local Wawa 75 00:03:59,050 --> 00:04:03,680 to get something to eat, and I'm amazed at how motorists just 76 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,090 keep coming by despite all of those 77 00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:10,250 signs telling them to yield to pedestrians. 78 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:16,790 So I decided one day to do a social science experiment. 79 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:19,320 I stood on the side of the road. 80 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,200 I had one foot in the street so that cars 81 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,770 knew that I wanted to cross. 82 00:04:24,770 --> 00:04:26,840 And I counted the number of cars that 83 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,420 passed by before the first one stopped. 84 00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:36,410 And I counted 32 cars that went by me 85 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:39,420 until the first one stopped. 86 00:04:39,420 --> 00:04:41,730 That was phase one. 87 00:04:41,730 --> 00:04:47,000 Phase two I brought my dog to the crosswalk, 88 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:47,917 and I stood there. 89 00:04:47,917 --> 00:04:49,500 We were out a little bit in the street 90 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:52,760 so people knew that I wanted to cross with my dog. 91 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:57,060 And I waited, and I counted the number of cars that went by. 92 00:04:57,060 --> 00:05:02,730 And I counted 28 cars that went by-- little bit of progress. 93 00:05:02,730 --> 00:05:05,740 But I was very surprised because my dog 94 00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:09,560 is the cutest creature in the world. 95 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,000 That's Lenny. 96 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:15,390 And how could 28 people pass by this beautiful creature? 97 00:05:15,390 --> 00:05:17,700 I was just absolutely puzzled. 98 00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,160 But we were making some progress. 99 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,830 That was phase two. 100 00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:27,990 Phase three, I borrowed a baby from my next door neighbor. 101 00:05:27,990 --> 00:05:29,950 I didn't have one of my own. 102 00:05:29,950 --> 00:05:34,180 And I stood at the crosswalk, one foot in the street, 103 00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:36,050 holding the baby. 104 00:05:36,050 --> 00:05:39,890 And I counted the number of cars that went by. 105 00:05:39,890 --> 00:05:45,470 Amazingly, a total of 36 cars went 106 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:49,180 by with me holding the baby, more than the number 107 00:05:49,180 --> 00:05:51,220 of cars that passed when it was just me. 108 00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:54,420 And I couldn't figure it out, and I pored over the data, 109 00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,290 and I looked at my hypothesis, and I 110 00:05:56,290 --> 00:05:57,880 studied it and studied it. 111 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,140 And it finally occurred to me the reason 112 00:06:00,140 --> 00:06:09,120 was it was an ugly baby. 113 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,605 It's amazing what you learn when you do social science 114 00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:14,360 experiments. 115 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:18,540 So phase four, the final phase, I laid the baby 116 00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:22,290 in the middle of the intersection. 117 00:06:22,290 --> 00:06:22,900 I'm sorry. 118 00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:25,630 Am I being rude? 119 00:06:25,630 --> 00:06:28,630 It was an ugly baby, really. 120 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:31,480 And what I found was only four cars 121 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,940 drove by before the first one stopped. 122 00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:37,070 But actually two of them saw the baby 123 00:06:37,070 --> 00:06:40,080 and actually swerved to hit it. 124 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,530 Did I mention it was an ugly baby? 125 00:06:43,530 --> 00:06:50,420 So after I got out of prison for endangering a minor, 126 00:06:50,420 --> 00:06:52,440 I analyzed the results. 127 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,050 And this is what I determined. 128 00:06:55,050 --> 00:06:57,830 The motorists who passed that intersection 129 00:06:57,830 --> 00:07:01,700 in Springfield Delaware County, not Montgomery County, 130 00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:04,230 are not paying attention. 131 00:07:04,230 --> 00:07:06,270 They are so focused on getting where 132 00:07:06,270 --> 00:07:08,850 they want to go that they can't see what's 133 00:07:08,850 --> 00:07:13,410 right in front of them, or near them, or around them. 134 00:07:13,410 --> 00:07:17,620 Or they are intent on putting their own needs ahead 135 00:07:17,620 --> 00:07:19,700 of the needs of others. 136 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,920 Or they're too busy to stop. 137 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,770 They're in a hurry to do what they think they need to do. 138 00:07:26,770 --> 00:07:30,340 Or they refuse to empathize with me 139 00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:33,400 and my dog and the ugly baby, and so they 140 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:39,290 discount our situation and our need to get across the street. 141 00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:43,430 Whatever the reason, I believe it is representative 142 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:48,590 of the rude society that we have become, a society that 143 00:07:48,590 --> 00:07:52,270 prides individuality over community, 144 00:07:52,270 --> 00:07:57,260 our own concerns over that of the collective. 145 00:07:57,260 --> 00:07:59,900 So this afternoon, I want to talk with you 146 00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:03,110 about the incivility of our culture 147 00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:07,880 and how that is seeping through the walls of our congregations, 148 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:12,550 thus challenging the principles of our faith 149 00:08:12,550 --> 00:08:14,830 and the very foundation upon which 150 00:08:14,830 --> 00:08:18,910 Unitarian Universalism stands. 151 00:08:18,910 --> 00:08:22,980 In other words, it's a comedy. 152 00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:26,980 So we see incivility all around us, don't we? 153 00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:30,550 The animal who cuts in front of us when we're in line, 154 00:08:30,550 --> 00:08:36,100 the motorist who won't let us merge, the person talking 155 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:41,640 loudly on their cell phone in public, nasty, insulting, 156 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:46,850 degrading comments on Twitter and Facebook, politicians 157 00:08:46,850 --> 00:08:50,130 showing disregard for each other. 158 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:54,970 Philosopher Emrys Westacott wrote, precisely 159 00:08:54,970 --> 00:08:58,160 because rudeness is quite common, 160 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:01,060 it is not a trivial issue. 161 00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:04,380 Indeed, in our day-to-day lives, it 162 00:09:04,380 --> 00:09:09,830 is possibly responsible for more pain than any other mortal 163 00:09:09,830 --> 00:09:11,850 failing. 164 00:09:11,850 --> 00:09:16,790 We're talking about some pretty serious stuff. 165 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:20,980 So there was a 2013 study entitled Civility 166 00:09:20,980 --> 00:09:26,460 in America conducted by Weber Shandwick and Powell Tate 167 00:09:26,460 --> 00:09:29,470 in partnership with KRC Research. 168 00:09:29,470 --> 00:09:34,020 And they concluded that America has a civility problem 169 00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:39,340 and that no area of American society is untouched. 170 00:09:39,340 --> 00:09:42,600 Here are some of their findings. 171 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:49,710 Americans encounter incivility an average of 17.1 times a week 172 00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:52,820 or 2.4 times a day. 173 00:09:52,820 --> 00:09:59,620 Now, by incivility, they meant general rudeness, disrespect, 174 00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:03,980 bullying, issues of conflict. 175 00:10:03,980 --> 00:10:09,230 Those were the definitions of incivility in this study. 176 00:10:09,230 --> 00:10:11,780 They found that 50% of those surveyed 177 00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:16,630 have ended a friendship because another person was uncivil. 178 00:10:16,630 --> 00:10:21,720 43% expect to experience incivility 179 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,710 in the next 24 hours. 180 00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:28,170 This is the good news, by the way. 181 00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:33,890 37% of those surveyed have experienced incivility at work, 182 00:10:33,890 --> 00:10:41,130 and 26% have quit a job because the workplace was uncivil. 183 00:10:41,130 --> 00:10:46,500 24% have personally experienced cyberbullying, 184 00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:51,410 and that's three times as much since the last survey in 2011. 185 00:10:51,410 --> 00:10:58,240 And 43% say they worry a great deal about cyberbullying. 186 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:03,130 And 19% of parents surveyed have transferred their child 187 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:06,340 to a different school because of incivility 188 00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:09,110 in the current educational placement. 189 00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:12,310 This is not a minor issue. 190 00:11:12,310 --> 00:11:16,360 More findings, 95% of those surveyed 191 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,950 believe we have a civility problem in America. 192 00:11:20,950 --> 00:11:24,620 81% think uncivil behavior is leading 193 00:11:24,620 --> 00:11:28,550 to an increase in violence in our society. 194 00:11:28,550 --> 00:11:33,650 70% think the internet encourages uncivil behavior, 195 00:11:33,650 --> 00:11:38,460 and 34% specifically blame Twitter. 196 00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:45,060 And 70% think that incivility has risen to crisis levels. 197 00:11:45,060 --> 00:11:49,070 These are pretty startling statistics, yes? 198 00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:52,990 When asked to define civility in their own words, 199 00:11:52,990 --> 00:11:55,380 the survey respondents most frequently 200 00:11:55,380 --> 00:12:02,050 answered with variations of treating others with respect. 201 00:12:02,050 --> 00:12:04,300 Treating others with respect, now what 202 00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:08,120 does that remind you of? 203 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,630 So what are some of the reasons that 204 00:12:09,630 --> 00:12:12,500 account for this increase of rudeness in society? 205 00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:15,190 You're probably asking yourselves that right now. 206 00:12:15,190 --> 00:12:16,777 Am I correct? 207 00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:17,860 Go ahead and ask yourself. 208 00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:20,950 I'll wait. 209 00:12:20,950 --> 00:12:23,180 Well, here are a few based on what 210 00:12:23,180 --> 00:12:26,790 I've been able to figure out or find out from other sources. 211 00:12:26,790 --> 00:12:31,900 Number one, we are too busy, or we 212 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:34,730 think we're too busy to pay attention to others, 213 00:12:34,730 --> 00:12:38,710 to notice others, to look out for the needs of others. 214 00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:41,420 Richard Layard, author of Happiness: 215 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:45,620 Lessons from a New Science, thinks that our problem today 216 00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:50,400 is a lack of common feeling between people, 217 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:55,440 the notion that life is a competitive struggle. 218 00:12:55,440 --> 00:13:00,150 Another reason I think is that we are generally anonymous. 219 00:13:00,150 --> 00:13:02,450 We don't interact with each other 220 00:13:02,450 --> 00:13:04,850 or know each other very well. 221 00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:08,310 We're talking general society here, our general culture. 222 00:13:08,310 --> 00:13:10,640 We don't sit out on the front porch. 223 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,670 I think maybe people in Kentucky do. 224 00:13:12,670 --> 00:13:13,440 I'm not sure. 225 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,352 But I know in the Philadelphia area we don't. 226 00:13:16,352 --> 00:13:18,020 We don't know our neighbors. 227 00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:21,590 We don't feel a connection to the surrounding community. 228 00:13:21,590 --> 00:13:25,540 Stephen Carter wrote, "A big part of our incivility crisis 229 00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:29,020 stems from the fact that we do not know each other 230 00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:31,800 or even want to try." 231 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,860 By the way, don't come up afterwards to me. 232 00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:36,200 I don't really want to know you. 233 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,540 "And not knowing each other, we seem 234 00:13:38,540 --> 00:13:42,940 to think that how we treat each other doesn't matter." 235 00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:45,950 How we treat each other doesn't matter. 236 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:50,580 And Lynne Truss, author of the book Talk to the Hand, 237 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,360 points out that we adhere to the idea 238 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:58,010 that once you know someone, you can respect them. 239 00:13:58,010 --> 00:14:00,500 Once you know someone, you can respect them. 240 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:05,500 But it reinforces the corollary that if you don't know someone, 241 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:09,326 you don't have to have any time for them. 242 00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:10,700 Here are some other reasons why I 243 00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:16,540 think incivility has taken hold of our society, the erosion 244 00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:21,540 of the principle of authority from politicians to teachers 245 00:14:21,540 --> 00:14:25,180 to parents to what we see in the media. 246 00:14:25,180 --> 00:14:29,280 In the Civility in America study that I cited a few minutes ago, 247 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,380 those surveyed considered government 248 00:14:32,380 --> 00:14:35,940 to be the most uncivil aspect of American life. 249 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:38,460 This is not a surprise. 250 00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:41,070 It received a 69% rating. 251 00:14:41,070 --> 00:14:46,340 It was the highest rated cause of incivility in this survey. 252 00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:50,800 63% of those surveyed found the media to be uncivil, 253 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:56,840 and 56% cited schools as uncivil. 254 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:01,410 We have become by many accounts a self-absorbed and selfish 255 00:15:01,410 --> 00:15:05,460 society where our needs take precedence. 256 00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:07,980 The rise in social media, particularly 257 00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:12,110 Facebook and Twitter, has fostered this movement. 258 00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:15,370 We take selfies. 259 00:15:15,370 --> 00:15:19,490 We take pictures of what we're having for dinner. 260 00:15:19,490 --> 00:15:23,670 We advance our own agendas, and we broadcast it for the world 261 00:15:23,670 --> 00:15:26,550 to see and read. 262 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:30,680 Jeanne Twenge, who wrote a book called Generation Me, which 263 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:36,730 she defined as those born in the '70s '80s or '90s, 264 00:15:36,730 --> 00:15:39,900 writes that, quote, "Young Americans have grown up 265 00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:43,410 believing it's more important to do your own thing 266 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:46,490 than conform to the group. 267 00:15:46,490 --> 00:15:48,640 Unfortunately," she writes, "that also 268 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,820 means people of this generation are 269 00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:54,660 more likely to be inconsiderate of other people." 270 00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:59,660 Now, Twenge wrote this in 2005, so those young Americans 271 00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:09,060 she was talking about are now young adult Americans. 272 00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:10,360 Am I lifting your mood? 273 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,300 Am I-- Those of you that were with me last year 274 00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,370 expected this to be a real funny presentation. 275 00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:20,050 I'll get to that. 276 00:16:20,050 --> 00:16:22,920 So the question you might be wondering is, so what? 277 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:26,120 So why is civility in our society important? 278 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:31,140 Beyond the obvious-- the need for safety and security-- 279 00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:35,710 uncivil environments threaten our social structure 280 00:16:35,710 --> 00:16:39,740 and need to be interdependent with each other. 281 00:16:39,740 --> 00:16:42,420 The sociologist Erving Goffman speaks 282 00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:46,110 of what he calls supportive interchanges. 283 00:16:46,110 --> 00:16:50,230 Supportive interchanges, these are interpersonal rituals 284 00:16:50,230 --> 00:16:54,560 that human beings employ in their face-to-face encounters 285 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,650 and contacts. 286 00:16:56,650 --> 00:17:00,630 So examples include gestures of recognition, 287 00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:04,970 greeting ceremonies, inquiries to one's health, 288 00:17:04,970 --> 00:17:06,980 the kinds of things that we tend to ask 289 00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:10,599 each other as a way of connecting. 290 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,579 These supportive interchanges, Goffman says, 291 00:17:13,579 --> 00:17:18,630 serve to open access to each other, 292 00:17:18,630 --> 00:17:22,109 link people together in given ways, 293 00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:26,740 maintain or reestablish contact with one another, 294 00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:32,330 and place people in proper position to each other. 295 00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:36,300 In an uncivil environment, then, supportive interchanges 296 00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:41,155 do not occur, and people remain disconnected, uncertain, 297 00:17:41,155 --> 00:17:44,840 and closed to the possibilities that each of us 298 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,910 has for each other. 299 00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:53,650 In his book, The Fall of Public Man, Richard Sennett wrote. 300 00:17:53,650 --> 00:17:57,320 "We can't relate to each other as a polity 301 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:02,290 until we rediscover the value of bands of association 302 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:05,150 and mutual commitment between people 303 00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:08,480 who are not joined by ties of family 304 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:12,020 or intimate association." 305 00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:15,610 And if we need another reason to promote civility in our world, 306 00:18:15,610 --> 00:18:19,170 we simply need to heed the words of Henry James, who 307 00:18:19,170 --> 00:18:23,280 wrote, "Three things in human life are important. 308 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,600 The first is to be kind. 309 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,100 The second is to be kind. 310 00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:33,080 And the third is to be kind." 311 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:36,160 How simple this is. 312 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,570 And you're all thinking, I wasted my time coming. 313 00:18:38,570 --> 00:18:42,980 All I have to do is be kind. 314 00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:45,470 OK so far? 315 00:18:45,470 --> 00:18:47,434 You with me? 316 00:18:47,434 --> 00:18:48,910 OK. 317 00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:52,830 So having skewered society for its general rudeness 318 00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:56,360 to all mankind, we now turn our lonely eyes 319 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,590 to our congregations. 320 00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:03,690 What is the state of civility in our Unitarian Universalist 321 00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:07,690 churches, societies, fellowships? 322 00:19:07,690 --> 00:19:12,450 If our spiritual communities are microcosms of the larger 323 00:19:12,450 --> 00:19:17,900 community, it stands to reason that rudeness and incivility 324 00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:23,270 has crept into our beds as well. 325 00:19:23,270 --> 00:19:25,890 So let me begin this part of the presentation 326 00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:29,550 with a true and painful story that I 327 00:19:29,550 --> 00:19:33,050 experienced a couple of years ago. 328 00:19:33,050 --> 00:19:34,500 This is a true story. 329 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,250 You have to take my word for it. 330 00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:39,540 There's no way that you can verify 331 00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:41,360 whether I'm telling you the truth or not. 332 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,400 You just have to trust me. 333 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:48,690 I was invited by a minister in a large congregation who 334 00:19:48,690 --> 00:19:52,510 had recently started there and kind of 335 00:19:52,510 --> 00:19:54,490 had a feeling that the congregation wasn't 336 00:19:54,490 --> 00:19:56,970 being as welcoming as it should be. 337 00:19:56,970 --> 00:20:00,860 So she asked me if I would come anonymously and write 338 00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:04,910 a no holds barred report-- those were her words-- on what 339 00:20:04,910 --> 00:20:06,720 I experienced. 340 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:07,700 And I said, sure. 341 00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:08,320 I'm happy to. 342 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,605 Because I had never seen her preach. 343 00:20:10,605 --> 00:20:12,230 Even though I knew her for a long time, 344 00:20:12,230 --> 00:20:14,120 but I'd never heard her preach, and I'd never 345 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,750 been to that congregation. 346 00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:18,340 So I walked in. 347 00:20:18,340 --> 00:20:22,080 I came to the second service. 348 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,150 And I got there about 15, 20 minutes early, 349 00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:27,330 and it was really crowded in the foyer. 350 00:20:27,330 --> 00:20:31,095 But the greeters saw me, and they welcomed me over, 351 00:20:31,095 --> 00:20:32,815 and I signed a guest book. 352 00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:35,420 And they were very nice to me, and I 353 00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:38,000 asked where the bathroom was, and they told me. 354 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,190 So then I headed out going to the bathroom. 355 00:20:40,190 --> 00:20:42,680 And then from there, I wanted to pass 356 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,700 as many people in the congregation as I could 357 00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:48,120 before the service started. 358 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:51,270 So I'm walking down the hallway, and I went to the room 359 00:20:51,270 --> 00:20:52,560 where they serve coffee. 360 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:53,980 I didn't want coffee yet. 361 00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:56,780 I wasn't going to have it until the second service. 362 00:20:56,780 --> 00:21:00,630 But I wanted to pass as many people as I could. 363 00:21:00,630 --> 00:21:03,420 So I went around the perimeter of the room, 364 00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:06,080 and then I headed back up the hallway. 365 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,610 I was walking for maybe five minutes or so, five, 366 00:21:09,610 --> 00:21:10,840 seven minutes. 367 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:14,890 Not one person said hello to me. 368 00:21:14,890 --> 00:21:19,250 I don't even recall one person smiling at me. 369 00:21:19,250 --> 00:21:20,350 Now, I didn't look away. 370 00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:21,580 I made eye contact. 371 00:21:21,580 --> 00:21:24,550 I purposely looked at people as I was-- maybe 372 00:21:24,550 --> 00:21:27,227 I looked kind of weird. 373 00:21:27,227 --> 00:21:28,310 But I'm looking at people. 374 00:21:28,310 --> 00:21:29,850 I'm making eye contact with them. 375 00:21:29,850 --> 00:21:32,370 If they did notice me, they looked away real quickly. 376 00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:34,650 And I passed a lot of people. 377 00:21:34,650 --> 00:21:37,440 These were people that had gone to the first service 378 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,150 and were getting coffee in that. 379 00:21:40,150 --> 00:21:41,810 So then I went into the sanctuary, 380 00:21:41,810 --> 00:21:42,770 and there was still a few minutes 381 00:21:42,770 --> 00:21:44,400 before the service was going to start. 382 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,260 So I stood in the back of the sanctuary, 383 00:21:46,260 --> 00:21:48,370 and I let more people come by. 384 00:21:48,370 --> 00:21:50,290 And I made eye contact with them. 385 00:21:50,290 --> 00:21:53,030 Not one of them acknowledged me. 386 00:21:53,030 --> 00:21:54,900 I finally decide I'd better sit down, 387 00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:58,680 so I sat down about halfway on the right hand side, two 388 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,609 or three chairs in. 389 00:22:00,609 --> 00:22:02,650 A few moments later, a member of the congregation 390 00:22:02,650 --> 00:22:04,850 came and sat on the row in front of me. 391 00:22:04,850 --> 00:22:08,060 She turned around and said to me, are you a visitor? 392 00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:09,040 I said, yes. 393 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,120 She said, welcome. 394 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,760 I said, it's too late. 395 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,790 No I didn't really say that. 396 00:22:14,790 --> 00:22:17,580 I didn't really say that. 397 00:22:17,580 --> 00:22:20,530 We chatted for a little bit, and then the service started. 398 00:22:20,530 --> 00:22:22,220 It was a lovely service. 399 00:22:22,220 --> 00:22:22,989 The service ended. 400 00:22:22,989 --> 00:22:25,280 I went up to the minister, thanked her for the service. 401 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,950 And then I headed back down the hall, this time with intent 402 00:22:28,950 --> 00:22:30,440 to get coffee. 403 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:31,550 Again I passed people. 404 00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:32,850 Nobody acknowledged me. 405 00:22:32,850 --> 00:22:34,617 I walked into the coffee room. 406 00:22:34,617 --> 00:22:36,450 Now, I've been around the block a few times. 407 00:22:36,450 --> 00:22:38,110 I've been doing this for a long time. 408 00:22:38,110 --> 00:22:42,490 I knew to go to the yellow mugs. 409 00:22:42,490 --> 00:22:44,930 So I grab the yellow mug. 410 00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:46,760 No one told me to take the yellow mugs. 411 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:48,260 I just knew to do that. 412 00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:51,030 So I grabbed a yellow mug, filled it with coffee, 413 00:22:51,030 --> 00:22:53,830 grabbed a cookie so I'd have something to do, 414 00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:56,800 and I went over to a corner of the room. 415 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,650 Now, I wasn't hiding behind anything. 416 00:22:58,650 --> 00:22:59,630 I really wasn't. 417 00:22:59,630 --> 00:23:02,380 But I wanted to be separated from the rest of the group 418 00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:04,000 so people could see that I wasn't 419 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,080 being engaged in conversation. 420 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,400 And I stood there, and I stood there, and I stood there, 421 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,050 and nobody came over. 422 00:23:11,050 --> 00:23:14,410 This time people looked over, but not one person came over. 423 00:23:14,410 --> 00:23:17,660 So I raised my mug higher. 424 00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:20,330 It's yellow. 425 00:23:20,330 --> 00:23:22,060 Not one person came over. 426 00:23:22,060 --> 00:23:25,280 I stood there nibbling on my cookie and drinking my coffee. 427 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,650 My happy yellow mug turned to one of despair. 428 00:23:28,650 --> 00:23:31,560 I've got to be honest with you. 429 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:33,840 Finally even I had enough. 430 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,570 And so I finished my coffee and put my mug away 431 00:23:37,570 --> 00:23:41,180 and headed back up the hallway, looking for the minister 432 00:23:41,180 --> 00:23:45,220 and asking if I could hide in her office until our meeting. 433 00:23:45,220 --> 00:23:49,420 We were going to meet later with members of the board. 434 00:23:49,420 --> 00:23:53,450 I knew in that moment that if I had been a real visitor, 435 00:23:53,450 --> 00:23:56,250 there is no way in the world that I would have gone back 436 00:23:56,250 --> 00:23:58,650 into that congregation. 437 00:23:58,650 --> 00:24:01,710 I felt like the invisible man. 438 00:24:01,710 --> 00:24:07,260 Lynne Truss said that, "The most extreme form of non-deference 439 00:24:07,260 --> 00:24:11,760 is to be treated as actually absent or invisible." 440 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:14,720 It was a demoralizing experience. 441 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,590 Now, some of you are nodding your heads, 442 00:24:16,590 --> 00:24:18,690 and you may want to come up afterwards and tell me 443 00:24:18,690 --> 00:24:20,590 about an experience that you had when 444 00:24:20,590 --> 00:24:22,660 you visited another congregation. 445 00:24:22,660 --> 00:24:24,000 Because it always happens. 446 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,300 What I'd like to challenge you is to consider that there might 447 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:29,660 be someone who comes up and will tell me that that's 448 00:24:29,660 --> 00:24:32,830 the experience they had in your congregation. 449 00:24:32,830 --> 00:24:37,010 We are not as welcoming as we think we are, 450 00:24:37,010 --> 00:24:40,630 and we're certainly not as welcoming as we need to be. 451 00:24:40,630 --> 00:24:43,450 One more really quick story. 452 00:24:43,450 --> 00:24:44,840 I was at another congregation. 453 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:46,550 This was a smaller one. 454 00:24:46,550 --> 00:24:49,400 And I got there early, and I went in and sat down 455 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:50,610 in the sanctuary. 456 00:24:50,610 --> 00:24:53,980 And a couple came behind me and sat behind me, 457 00:24:53,980 --> 00:24:56,310 and I actually knew one of the people. 458 00:24:56,310 --> 00:24:57,350 So I turned around. 459 00:24:57,350 --> 00:24:58,210 I turned around. 460 00:24:58,210 --> 00:25:00,270 They didn't tap on the shoulder and say, hey, hi. 461 00:25:00,270 --> 00:25:01,080 How are you doing? 462 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,079 I turned around, and we talked for a little bit. 463 00:25:03,079 --> 00:25:05,077 Maybe it's me. 464 00:25:05,077 --> 00:25:07,660 And then a few minutes, so then I turned back and I'm waiting. 465 00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:10,300 And then a few minutes later, another couple came in the row 466 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:14,480 in front of me and greeted the people behind me. 467 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:15,140 How you doing? 468 00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:17,220 I didn't see you at the picnic. 469 00:25:17,220 --> 00:25:21,410 So I'm sitting there looking up at them, making eye contact. 470 00:25:21,410 --> 00:25:24,070 Not once did they drop their eyes and look at me. 471 00:25:24,070 --> 00:25:25,650 I was right there. 472 00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:27,950 I was staring at them the whole time. 473 00:25:27,950 --> 00:25:30,355 Not once did either of them drop their eyes 474 00:25:30,355 --> 00:25:32,970 and look at me and nod and say hello. 475 00:25:32,970 --> 00:25:35,690 It was like they were having a conversation 476 00:25:35,690 --> 00:25:42,930 over the back fence, and I was the back fence. 477 00:25:42,930 --> 00:25:46,270 These are really true stories. 478 00:25:46,270 --> 00:25:48,220 I get really defensive and stuff. 479 00:25:48,220 --> 00:25:49,620 I get my feelings hurt. 480 00:25:49,620 --> 00:25:53,450 But I was really trying not to fall into that mode. 481 00:25:53,450 --> 00:25:57,410 These were really true stories. 482 00:25:57,410 --> 00:25:59,270 But incivility in our congregations 483 00:25:59,270 --> 00:26:03,320 goes beyond our reluctance to welcome the stranger. 484 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,550 It's easy to criticize that. 485 00:26:05,550 --> 00:26:10,120 It's also reflected in our unwillingness, our resistance 486 00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,730 to thank or acknowledge the efforts 487 00:26:12,730 --> 00:26:15,880 of our fellow congregants, to engage 488 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:19,690 in civil and respectful conversations, 489 00:26:19,690 --> 00:26:24,990 to welcome dissent as a natural and necessary component 490 00:26:24,990 --> 00:26:28,730 of communal life, to trust our leaders 491 00:26:28,730 --> 00:26:32,620 and support their efforts, to deal openly 492 00:26:32,620 --> 00:26:37,680 and honestly directly with those with whom we have issues 493 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:41,770 rather than going around them or above them or sometimes 494 00:26:41,770 --> 00:26:46,020 through them, metaphorically speaking. 495 00:26:46,020 --> 00:26:48,960 So this incivility is not just about not 496 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:49,970 welcoming the stranger. 497 00:26:49,970 --> 00:26:52,190 It's the way in which we also tend 498 00:26:52,190 --> 00:26:55,740 to be with ourselves, incivility seeping 499 00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:59,420 through the walls of our congregations. 500 00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:01,610 And here's the really fascinating thing to me 501 00:27:01,610 --> 00:27:03,870 about this whole issue. 502 00:27:03,870 --> 00:27:07,210 The ability to eliminate rudeness and incivility 503 00:27:07,210 --> 00:27:11,820 in our congregations lies exclusively and totally 504 00:27:11,820 --> 00:27:15,650 in the hands of the members of the congregation. 505 00:27:15,650 --> 00:27:18,580 There is no outside force that we 506 00:27:18,580 --> 00:27:21,760 can impose that will require members 507 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,540 to be civil toward one another. 508 00:27:24,540 --> 00:27:29,260 The power comes from us, and it is contained in the promises 509 00:27:29,260 --> 00:27:31,790 that we make to each other. 510 00:27:31,790 --> 00:27:35,060 I'm not telling you anything you don't know. 511 00:27:35,060 --> 00:27:37,810 So meet John Fletcher Moulton. 512 00:27:37,810 --> 00:27:40,320 The guy doesn't look like he'd be a lot of fun at a cocktail 513 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,040 party, but he's a pretty fascinating guy. 514 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,640 After a brilliant mathematical career at Cambridge, 515 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:50,200 Lord Moulton became a London barrister 516 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:53,070 specializing in patent law. 517 00:27:53,070 --> 00:27:57,200 He was also a scientist and was awarded the French Legion 518 00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,310 of Honour for his work in establishing 519 00:28:00,310 --> 00:28:04,990 international units for measuring electricity. 520 00:28:04,990 --> 00:28:07,790 That has nothing to do with what I want to talk about related 521 00:28:07,790 --> 00:28:11,264 to Lord Moulton, but I thought that was interesting. 522 00:28:11,264 --> 00:28:12,930 Here's what he contributed that I really 523 00:28:12,930 --> 00:28:16,360 think speaks to us and this topic. 524 00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:22,390 He talked about three domains of behavior. 525 00:28:22,390 --> 00:28:28,150 The first is the domain of law, where our actions are 526 00:28:28,150 --> 00:28:33,550 prescribed by laws binding upon us which must be obeyed. 527 00:28:33,550 --> 00:28:35,810 You exceed the speed limit and you get caught, 528 00:28:35,810 --> 00:28:37,430 you get a speeding ticket. 529 00:28:37,430 --> 00:28:40,310 You commit a crime and you get caught, 530 00:28:40,310 --> 00:28:43,370 you serve hopefully the appropriate punishment. 531 00:28:43,370 --> 00:28:44,200 It's the law. 532 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,600 We have no choice. 533 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:49,090 On the other end of the spectrum is 534 00:28:49,090 --> 00:28:52,070 what he called the domain of free choice, which 535 00:28:52,070 --> 00:28:57,570 includes all those actions as to which we claim and enjoy 536 00:28:57,570 --> 00:29:00,170 complete freedom. 537 00:29:00,170 --> 00:29:02,660 Now, we could debate whether or not 538 00:29:02,660 --> 00:29:05,500 we really do have free will, but that's 539 00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:10,700 the workshop following this one At 5:30. 540 00:29:10,700 --> 00:29:12,590 And then there's the middle domain, 541 00:29:12,590 --> 00:29:15,280 and this concept just fascinates me. 542 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:20,130 It's what he calls the domain of obedience to the unenforceable. 543 00:29:20,130 --> 00:29:24,810 Obedience to the unenforceable in which our actions are not 544 00:29:24,810 --> 00:29:28,150 determined by law but in which we are not 545 00:29:28,150 --> 00:29:31,910 free to behave in any way we choose. 546 00:29:31,910 --> 00:29:36,400 We are obedient to that which is inherently unenforceable. 547 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,980 It's covenant. 548 00:29:37,980 --> 00:29:39,690 It's the Cambridge platform. 549 00:29:39,690 --> 00:29:43,850 It's the foundation upon which our Unitarian Universalist 550 00:29:43,850 --> 00:29:46,420 faith rests. 551 00:29:46,420 --> 00:29:48,950 So in this middle domain, the individual 552 00:29:48,950 --> 00:29:54,090 is the enforcer of the law upon themselves. 553 00:29:54,090 --> 00:29:57,910 Moulton called the behavior of those in this middle domain 554 00:29:57,910 --> 00:29:59,670 manners. 555 00:29:59,670 --> 00:30:04,190 Manners, whether through a sense of moral duty, 556 00:30:04,190 --> 00:30:07,620 social responsibility, civil pride, 557 00:30:07,620 --> 00:30:10,800 it covers all cases of doing right 558 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:16,650 where there is no one to make you do it but yourself. 559 00:30:16,650 --> 00:30:19,930 Gil Rendle defined the concept of obedience 560 00:30:19,930 --> 00:30:24,630 to the unenforceable as that area of our lives of faith 561 00:30:24,630 --> 00:30:29,370 in which we submit to certain ways of living because we hold 562 00:30:29,370 --> 00:30:33,220 membership in a faith community that rests on beliefs 563 00:30:33,220 --> 00:30:37,440 and values that prescribe such behaviors. 564 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:38,370 It's the covenant. 565 00:30:38,370 --> 00:30:40,650 It's the right relations, the promises 566 00:30:40,650 --> 00:30:46,080 that we make to each other. 567 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,610 So if I'm riding, for example, if I'm riding on a bus 568 00:30:49,610 --> 00:30:52,740 and I take the last seat, and at the next stop 569 00:30:52,740 --> 00:30:55,810 an elderly woman boards, there is no law 570 00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:59,670 that says that I have to give up my seat, 571 00:30:59,670 --> 00:31:03,220 nor am I necessarily comfortable exercising 572 00:31:03,220 --> 00:31:08,264 my right to free choice to not give up my seat. 573 00:31:08,264 --> 00:31:12,570 Instead, I am compelled-- I am compelled. 574 00:31:12,570 --> 00:31:15,830 I can't speak for you-- to give up my seat because it 575 00:31:15,830 --> 00:31:20,020 is consistent with my sense of civic responsibility, 576 00:31:20,020 --> 00:31:22,334 and I think it's the right thing to do. 577 00:31:22,334 --> 00:31:24,250 And that's the only thing that's compelling me 578 00:31:24,250 --> 00:31:26,460 to behave in that way. 579 00:31:26,460 --> 00:31:28,470 Similarly, in our congregations, there 580 00:31:28,470 --> 00:31:32,420 is no law that requires us to welcome the stranger. 581 00:31:32,420 --> 00:31:36,580 Nobody had to welcome me when I came into those congregations. 582 00:31:36,580 --> 00:31:39,680 But neither should we be comfortable to ignore 583 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:43,850 or distance ourselves from the newcomer. 584 00:31:43,850 --> 00:31:46,370 We choose to greet the newcomer because it 585 00:31:46,370 --> 00:31:49,370 is consistent with our UU beliefs 586 00:31:49,370 --> 00:31:52,380 and because we believe it is the right thing to do. 587 00:31:52,380 --> 00:31:56,960 We are compelled to do it because to not to do so 588 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,340 would be uncomfortable. 589 00:32:00,340 --> 00:32:02,180 Another example in our congregations, 590 00:32:02,180 --> 00:32:05,100 we are not required by law to respect 591 00:32:05,100 --> 00:32:07,600 the worth and dignity of others. 592 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:08,830 It's just a principle. 593 00:32:08,830 --> 00:32:10,630 It's not the law. 594 00:32:10,630 --> 00:32:14,750 But neither are we free to show open disrespect 595 00:32:14,750 --> 00:32:17,176 and disregard for our fellow congregants, 596 00:32:17,176 --> 00:32:21,540 even though we know that a lot of people do that. 597 00:32:21,540 --> 00:32:26,500 Instead, we are compelled to respect and show 598 00:32:26,500 --> 00:32:28,510 dignity for other people because it 599 00:32:28,510 --> 00:32:31,410 is consistent with our beliefs and because it's 600 00:32:31,410 --> 00:32:34,060 the right thing to do. 601 00:32:34,060 --> 00:32:37,550 Obedience to the unenforceable. 602 00:32:37,550 --> 00:32:39,470 By a show of hands, how many of you 603 00:32:39,470 --> 00:32:47,770 have a Congregational Covenant or Covenant of Right Relations? 604 00:32:47,770 --> 00:32:51,270 How many do not? 605 00:32:51,270 --> 00:32:56,210 I'd say maybe 2/3 do, one third do not. 606 00:32:56,210 --> 00:32:59,480 And for those that do, is it working? 607 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:03,071 Do people know what the Congregational Covenant is? 608 00:33:03,071 --> 00:33:03,570 Yeah? 609 00:33:03,570 --> 00:33:04,540 Good. 610 00:33:04,540 --> 00:33:05,900 Kind of, some do. 611 00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:09,220 Some don't. 612 00:33:09,220 --> 00:33:11,050 So let's be honest here. 613 00:33:11,050 --> 00:33:12,710 Not everyone in our congregations 614 00:33:12,710 --> 00:33:15,270 is going to always do the right thing. 615 00:33:15,270 --> 00:33:17,750 If that was the case, you wouldn't be here, 616 00:33:17,750 --> 00:33:20,670 and we wouldn't be having this conversation. 617 00:33:20,670 --> 00:33:23,810 So in the time remaining, not including 618 00:33:23,810 --> 00:33:26,270 time for you to have an opportunity to share, 619 00:33:26,270 --> 00:33:30,570 I would like to share some ways in which you as leaders-- 620 00:33:30,570 --> 00:33:33,720 you as leaders, you wouldn't be here at General Assembly 621 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,960 if you weren't a leader in your congregation-- 622 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:39,800 can help people to do the right thing, ways in which you can 623 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:44,440 create an environment a culture where civility is cherished 624 00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:48,350 and lifted up and where rudeness is minimized and rendered 625 00:33:48,350 --> 00:33:50,310 ineffective. 626 00:33:50,310 --> 00:33:54,670 So make no mistake, we're talking about culture change 627 00:33:54,670 --> 00:33:56,230 here. 628 00:33:56,230 --> 00:34:01,380 And you, the leaders, need to plow the ground. 629 00:34:01,380 --> 00:34:09,810 I'm going to pause for a second and check my time. 630 00:34:09,810 --> 00:34:12,860 So here's suggestion number one. 631 00:34:12,860 --> 00:34:16,000 I've got five suggestions, so if you're really doing well 632 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,320 at two or three of them, hopefully there's 633 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:21,889 a couple that you can get better at. 634 00:34:21,889 --> 00:34:26,520 Suggestion number one, wave first. 635 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,330 This idea actually comes from a sermon 636 00:34:29,330 --> 00:34:33,880 that the beloved minister of my home congregation, Reverend 637 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:37,101 Peter Friedrichs, gave several months back. 638 00:34:37,101 --> 00:34:38,600 And by the way, here's a candid shot 639 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:47,610 of Reverend Peter, who by the way is not here to see this. 640 00:34:47,610 --> 00:34:51,230 We think a lot of Peter. 641 00:34:51,230 --> 00:34:54,210 In his sermon, Peter spoke of riding in his grandfather's 642 00:34:54,210 --> 00:34:57,510 boat when he was a kid waving to the other boats 643 00:34:57,510 --> 00:34:59,950 and having others wave back. 644 00:34:59,950 --> 00:35:02,450 Over the years, however, as he grew to adulthood, 645 00:35:02,450 --> 00:35:06,680 he noticed fewer and fewer boaters waving. 646 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,220 And then one day, he had an epiphany. 647 00:35:09,220 --> 00:35:12,090 As he wrote, "While I was busy watching 648 00:35:12,090 --> 00:35:17,730 to see if other people were going to wave, I wasn't waving. 649 00:35:17,730 --> 00:35:20,380 I wasn't just witnessing the decline 650 00:35:20,380 --> 00:35:22,200 of the friendly waving boater. 651 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:24,520 I was a part of it." 652 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:27,200 And so Peter committed to waving first, 653 00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:30,620 to be extravagant in his waving. 654 00:35:30,620 --> 00:35:33,640 And Reverend Peter can be very extravagant. 655 00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:37,400 To wave early and often, and then he 656 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:40,310 continued in his sermon, "And you know what? 657 00:35:40,310 --> 00:35:45,040 Most people waved back, not everyone, but most. 658 00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:47,810 And they smiled back too." 659 00:35:47,810 --> 00:35:50,850 He wrote, "By choosing to wave first, 660 00:35:50,850 --> 00:35:53,920 I felt my heart open to the world. 661 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:57,950 To nurture a generous spirit in ourselves and to birth 662 00:35:57,950 --> 00:36:02,700 generosity and joy into the world, all we have to do 663 00:36:02,700 --> 00:36:07,350 is wave first." 664 00:36:07,350 --> 00:36:09,380 So that's the challenge for you as leaders 665 00:36:09,380 --> 00:36:10,750 in our congregations. 666 00:36:10,750 --> 00:36:14,210 When we see the stranger in our midst, when we see someone 667 00:36:14,210 --> 00:36:18,070 that we haven't seen for awhile, when we see a member who is not 668 00:36:18,070 --> 00:36:21,120 being engaged, we need to do the bold thing. 669 00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,260 We need to do the risky thing. 670 00:36:23,260 --> 00:36:26,070 And we need to wave first. 671 00:36:26,070 --> 00:36:27,650 And I'll actually challenge you to do 672 00:36:27,650 --> 00:36:30,460 that for the rest of our time at General Assembly. 673 00:36:30,460 --> 00:36:32,140 Do this first. 674 00:36:32,140 --> 00:36:35,750 Walk down the hallway tonight or tomorrow, and count 675 00:36:35,750 --> 00:36:39,090 the number of people you pass who don't acknowledge you. 676 00:36:39,090 --> 00:36:40,990 But you've got to make eye contact. 677 00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:43,070 You've got to look at them, and look 678 00:36:43,070 --> 00:36:46,971 at how many people look away or don't notice you. 679 00:36:46,971 --> 00:36:49,640 You don't have to do a social science experiment 680 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:53,580 or get an ugly baby or anything like that. 681 00:36:53,580 --> 00:36:55,330 And then stop doing that. 682 00:36:55,330 --> 00:36:57,890 And then walk down the hallway and just 683 00:36:57,890 --> 00:36:59,840 say hello to people as you're walking by. 684 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:01,590 And see the difference. 685 00:37:01,590 --> 00:37:07,040 I find that every time I do it, people smile and wave back. 686 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:11,180 So that's number one, OK. 687 00:37:11,180 --> 00:37:14,160 Number two-- oh there's people waving 688 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:20,620 and bears and babies waving. 689 00:37:20,620 --> 00:37:25,050 Number two, practice accountability. 690 00:37:25,050 --> 00:37:29,520 George Orwell wrote, "Society has always seem 691 00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,820 to demand a little more from human beings 692 00:37:31,820 --> 00:37:35,490 than it will get in practice. 693 00:37:35,490 --> 00:37:39,140 Someone else will stop and let the pedestrian cross. 694 00:37:39,140 --> 00:37:41,510 Someone else will pick up the trashcan 695 00:37:41,510 --> 00:37:44,590 that is lying in the middle of the street. 696 00:37:44,590 --> 00:37:46,570 In our congregation, someone else 697 00:37:46,570 --> 00:37:49,020 will say hello to the newcomer. 698 00:37:49,020 --> 00:37:50,590 Someone else will thank the person 699 00:37:50,590 --> 00:37:53,440 who made coffee for us this morning. 700 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:56,530 Someone else will notice that there are no more paper towels 701 00:37:56,530 --> 00:38:01,290 in the bathroom, and they'll refill the container. 702 00:38:01,290 --> 00:38:04,200 In uncivil congregations, members 703 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:07,670 feel as if they don't own the congregation 704 00:38:07,670 --> 00:38:10,580 they don't see it as their responsibility 705 00:38:10,580 --> 00:38:16,020 to create a safe, secure, warm, and civil environment. 706 00:38:16,020 --> 00:38:21,190 They leave it to the leaders or the minister or the staff. 707 00:38:21,190 --> 00:38:24,850 And I always kind of half jokingly say 708 00:38:24,850 --> 00:38:28,610 that a congregation that has a welcoming committee 709 00:38:28,610 --> 00:38:32,610 is generally not welcoming because they leave it 710 00:38:32,610 --> 00:38:35,360 to the welcoming committee or they leave it to the greeters 711 00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:37,310 to do the welcoming. 712 00:38:37,310 --> 00:38:38,940 They're no longer accountable. 713 00:38:38,940 --> 00:38:42,080 I'm waiting to go into a congregation where 714 00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:44,820 every member-- OK, maybe not every member-- 715 00:38:44,820 --> 00:38:49,460 but where members feel free and bold to come up to me and say, 716 00:38:49,460 --> 00:38:52,880 I'm glad you're here, not just the greeters or not just 717 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:58,030 the welcoming committee. 718 00:38:58,030 --> 00:39:00,770 So in our congregations, if congregations 719 00:39:00,770 --> 00:39:03,890 feel that they don't own the congregation, 720 00:39:03,890 --> 00:39:07,130 they adopt the mindset of being a consumer 721 00:39:07,130 --> 00:39:10,280 or a client of services. 722 00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:12,800 They give their power away. 723 00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:14,980 They believe that their own needs can best 724 00:39:14,980 --> 00:39:18,550 be satisfied by the actions of others, 725 00:39:18,550 --> 00:39:22,220 in this case, usually the elected or the designated 726 00:39:22,220 --> 00:39:23,960 leaders. 727 00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,220 What needs to happen in our congregations, 728 00:39:26,220 --> 00:39:30,010 says author Peter Block, who I quote a lot, 729 00:39:30,010 --> 00:39:35,480 is to move people from a consumer/client mindset 730 00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:39,580 to a mindset of citizenship. 731 00:39:39,580 --> 00:39:42,990 Citizens who are willing to be accountable for 732 00:39:42,990 --> 00:39:46,640 and committed to the well-being of the whole, 733 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:49,880 who are committed to building the community. 734 00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:54,280 This requires that members realize and assume 735 00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:58,200 their power in effecting change, that they realize 736 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:03,820 that they are cause and not effect. 737 00:40:03,820 --> 00:40:06,160 And the only way that this can happen, 738 00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:08,470 the only way to change this culture, 739 00:40:08,470 --> 00:40:13,790 is for you, the leaders, to give up your power 740 00:40:13,790 --> 00:40:18,380 and to share it with the members of your congregation. 741 00:40:18,380 --> 00:40:21,490 As leaders, we need to ask for help. 742 00:40:21,490 --> 00:40:22,910 We need to listen. 743 00:40:22,910 --> 00:40:26,850 We need to heed the advice of others knowing that we cannot 744 00:40:26,850 --> 00:40:32,240 and should not do it alone. 745 00:40:32,240 --> 00:40:37,150 These are concepts we don't have time to cover adequately today, 746 00:40:37,150 --> 00:40:39,490 but accountability among our membership 747 00:40:39,490 --> 00:40:43,480 is essential if our culture is to shift toward one that 748 00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:49,410 covets civility and does not tolerate rudeness. 749 00:40:49,410 --> 00:40:55,480 And this should be part of the introduction, the orientation 750 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,460 when people walk into our congregation, 751 00:40:57,460 --> 00:41:02,430 and especially when they begin their path to membership. 752 00:41:02,430 --> 00:41:03,780 So that's number two. 753 00:41:03,780 --> 00:41:05,430 OK so far? 754 00:41:05,430 --> 00:41:06,530 Am I talking too much? 755 00:41:06,530 --> 00:41:07,690 I can be quiet. 756 00:41:07,690 --> 00:41:10,762 You can talk among yourselves for awhile. 757 00:41:10,762 --> 00:41:12,720 Anybody have to go to the bathroom or anything? 758 00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:14,150 Are you OK? 759 00:41:14,150 --> 00:41:16,540 By the way, I hope that no one will get up and leave 760 00:41:16,540 --> 00:41:24,660 during my presentation because that would be rude. 761 00:41:24,660 --> 00:41:28,200 So suggestion number three, pay attention. 762 00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:31,540 Edward M. Hallowell said-- I love 763 00:41:31,540 --> 00:41:36,440 this-- "A human moment occurs anytime two or more people 764 00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:39,670 are together paying attention to one another." 765 00:41:39,670 --> 00:41:43,050 A human moment occurs anytime two or more people 766 00:41:43,050 --> 00:41:47,840 are together paying attention to one another. 767 00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:52,740 Every act of civility is first of all an act of attention. 768 00:41:52,740 --> 00:41:56,530 We spend much of our daily lives neglecting to pay attention 769 00:41:56,530 --> 00:42:02,400 to each other-- remember the crosswalk as an example-- 770 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:05,920 and to create more civil environments. 771 00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:08,040 When we pay attention, we do justice 772 00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:11,010 to the presence of others in our lives. 773 00:42:11,010 --> 00:42:14,580 When I show you that you are worthy of my attention, 774 00:42:14,580 --> 00:42:18,190 I am acknowledging and honoring your worth. 775 00:42:18,190 --> 00:42:20,660 When this happens, we create moments 776 00:42:20,660 --> 00:42:25,860 of civility, understanding, respect, and love. 777 00:42:25,860 --> 00:42:28,300 So my suggestion is, notice others. 778 00:42:28,300 --> 00:42:29,580 Pay attention. 779 00:42:29,580 --> 00:42:33,990 Listen to them with their whole being, W-H-O-L-E, 780 00:42:33,990 --> 00:42:36,890 as if what they are saying is the most important thing 781 00:42:36,890 --> 00:42:39,710 in the world. 782 00:42:39,710 --> 00:42:45,120 So here's suggestion number four, praise and appreciate. 783 00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:48,610 It's really a simple thing and really powerful. 784 00:42:48,610 --> 00:42:51,800 Or let them eat grapes. 785 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:55,340 So there was an experiment that was 786 00:42:55,340 --> 00:42:59,420 done at Emory University a few years ago. 787 00:42:59,420 --> 00:43:02,160 Some of you may have seen this. 788 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:04,510 In this experiment, they used monkeys, 789 00:43:04,510 --> 00:43:07,250 but they've used other species as well. 790 00:43:07,250 --> 00:43:09,540 And it was a fairness experiment. 791 00:43:09,540 --> 00:43:11,530 What they wanted to demonstrate was 792 00:43:11,530 --> 00:43:14,880 that if species, including human beings, 793 00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:18,410 do not feel that they are being treated with respect, if they 794 00:43:18,410 --> 00:43:21,060 don't feel that they are getting a fair shake, 795 00:43:21,060 --> 00:43:23,820 then they will act in an aggressive way. 796 00:43:23,820 --> 00:43:27,230 Not necessarily hitting, but they will act out. 797 00:43:27,230 --> 00:43:29,480 They will pull away. 798 00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:31,510 They'll be sarcastic. 799 00:43:31,510 --> 00:43:33,400 They'll be resistant. 800 00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:34,710 They'll be argumentative. 801 00:43:34,710 --> 00:43:36,860 They will act in a violent way if they 802 00:43:36,860 --> 00:43:39,920 feel that they are not being treated fairly. 803 00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:42,850 So in this experiment, the monkey 804 00:43:42,850 --> 00:43:45,510 on the left and the monkey on the right 805 00:43:45,510 --> 00:43:47,990 were trained to do a simple task. 806 00:43:47,990 --> 00:43:50,800 They were given a rock, and all they had to do 807 00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:53,240 was give the rock back to the researcher. 808 00:43:53,240 --> 00:43:57,510 Now, they were trained on the task using cucumbers. 809 00:43:57,510 --> 00:43:59,910 Now, monkeys apparently will work for cucumbers, 810 00:43:59,910 --> 00:44:01,840 but they're not crazy about them. 811 00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:05,390 I mean, who really is? 812 00:44:05,390 --> 00:44:10,290 In this video, the monkey on the left will do the task 813 00:44:10,290 --> 00:44:11,570 and get a cucumber. 814 00:44:11,570 --> 00:44:15,750 The monkey on the right, though, gets a grape, and monkeys love 815 00:44:15,750 --> 00:44:19,020 grapes. 816 00:44:19,020 --> 00:44:22,674 So let me show you what happens. 817 00:44:22,674 --> 00:44:24,590 Speaker: I mean, it would a stronger reaction, 818 00:44:24,590 --> 00:44:26,150 and that turned out to be right. 819 00:44:26,150 --> 00:44:28,490 The one on the left is the monkey who gets cucumber. 820 00:44:28,490 --> 00:44:31,710 The one on the right is the one who gets grapes. 821 00:44:31,710 --> 00:44:33,890 The one who gets cucumber note that the first piece 822 00:44:33,890 --> 00:44:35,750 of cucumber is perfectly fine. 823 00:44:35,750 --> 00:44:38,062 The first piece he eats. 824 00:44:38,062 --> 00:44:39,770 Then he sees the other one getting grape, 825 00:44:39,770 --> 00:44:42,260 and you will see what happens. 826 00:44:42,260 --> 00:44:43,370 So she gives a rock to us. 827 00:44:43,370 --> 00:44:44,780 That's the task. 828 00:44:44,780 --> 00:44:47,640 And we give her a piece of cucumber, and she eats it. 829 00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:51,110 The other one needs to give a rock to us, 830 00:44:51,110 --> 00:44:53,450 and that's what she does. 831 00:44:53,450 --> 00:44:56,274 And she gets a grape. 832 00:44:56,274 --> 00:44:56,940 And she eats it. 833 00:44:56,940 --> 00:44:58,770 The other one sees that. 834 00:44:58,770 --> 00:45:05,268 She gives a rock to us now, gets again cucumber. 835 00:45:05,268 --> 00:45:20,670 [LAUGHTER] 836 00:45:20,670 --> 00:45:23,560 She tests a rock now against the wall. 837 00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:25,542 She needs to give it to us. 838 00:45:25,542 --> 00:45:36,692 And she gets cucumber again. 839 00:45:36,692 --> 00:45:38,150 Mark Bernstein: So this is actually 840 00:45:38,150 --> 00:45:44,280 the Occupy Movement that you see here. 841 00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:45,230 Isn't it amazing? 842 00:45:45,230 --> 00:45:48,600 It only took one trial for the monkey 843 00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:52,440 to realize that he wasn't being treated fairly and acted 844 00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:54,190 in an aggressive way. 845 00:45:54,190 --> 00:45:58,660 So imagine human beings in our congregations 846 00:45:58,660 --> 00:46:01,030 who don't feel that they're being treated 847 00:46:01,030 --> 00:46:03,250 with respect, that they're not being heard. 848 00:46:03,250 --> 00:46:04,570 No one is listening to them. 849 00:46:04,570 --> 00:46:07,370 No one is paying attention to them. 850 00:46:07,370 --> 00:46:09,750 I mean, I wanted to start throwing cucumbers 851 00:46:09,750 --> 00:46:13,910 at that congregation that I was at. 852 00:46:13,910 --> 00:46:18,140 So we need to let them eat grapes. 853 00:46:18,140 --> 00:46:20,950 In order to have congregations of civility, 854 00:46:20,950 --> 00:46:24,480 there must be abundance of praise and recognition 855 00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:27,290 for the efforts of others, for what they do 856 00:46:27,290 --> 00:46:29,320 and for who they are. 857 00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:31,520 The philosopher William James said, 858 00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:34,410 "The deepest principle in human nature 859 00:46:34,410 --> 00:46:37,250 is the craving to be appreciated." 860 00:46:37,250 --> 00:46:41,620 The craving to be appreciated, we all need it. 861 00:46:41,620 --> 00:46:43,960 When we praise others, when we let 862 00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,020 them know how we feel about them, 863 00:46:46,020 --> 00:46:49,750 we let them know something about ourselves as well. 864 00:46:49,750 --> 00:46:53,580 And so we strengthen the bonds between us. 865 00:46:53,580 --> 00:46:56,380 When we praise someone, we positively 866 00:46:56,380 --> 00:46:59,780 reinforce that behavior, and so we 867 00:46:59,780 --> 00:47:02,910 make it more likely that the person will engage 868 00:47:02,910 --> 00:47:06,000 in that behavior in the future. 869 00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:07,950 This is not manipulation. 870 00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:12,480 This is acknowledging people for doing good things. 871 00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:18,280 When we praise others also, we reveal to people who they are, 872 00:47:18,280 --> 00:47:21,450 and perhaps we make them aware of their own gifts 873 00:47:21,450 --> 00:47:25,560 that they may not have been aware of previously. 874 00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:29,350 And the more specific the praise and appreciation, 875 00:47:29,350 --> 00:47:32,230 the more powerful it can be. 876 00:47:32,230 --> 00:47:36,950 Thank you, Alice, for making this delicious cup of coffee. 877 00:47:36,950 --> 00:47:39,630 I appreciate you, Fred, for speaking 878 00:47:39,630 --> 00:47:44,250 your mind on this issue clearly and respectfully. 879 00:47:44,250 --> 00:47:47,720 You are wonderful, Samantha, for volunteering 880 00:47:47,720 --> 00:47:52,200 to help clean up after the potluck luncheon. 881 00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:55,320 How often do we do this in our congregations? 882 00:47:55,320 --> 00:47:57,770 How often do we thank board members 883 00:47:57,770 --> 00:47:59,710 for serving on the board? 884 00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:03,040 How often do we thank teachers for leading RE classes? 885 00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:06,240 And I'm not talking about the annual end of church year 886 00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:08,770 teachers stand up so we can recognize you. 887 00:48:08,770 --> 00:48:10,700 I'm talking about a member of the congregation 888 00:48:10,700 --> 00:48:12,420 going up to a teacher and saying, 889 00:48:12,420 --> 00:48:14,960 thank you for being such a wonderful role 890 00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:18,110 model for my daughter. 891 00:48:18,110 --> 00:48:21,820 The congregation whose members consciously and deliberately 892 00:48:21,820 --> 00:48:23,975 and voluntarily notice and acknowledge 893 00:48:23,975 --> 00:48:27,080 the efforts of others create an environment 894 00:48:27,080 --> 00:48:29,540 where rudeness has no place and where 895 00:48:29,540 --> 00:48:32,620 civility and community flourishes. 896 00:48:32,620 --> 00:48:34,330 So again, you're the leaders. 897 00:48:34,330 --> 00:48:35,420 Be role models. 898 00:48:35,420 --> 00:48:36,250 Do it. 899 00:48:36,250 --> 00:48:38,120 Have other people watch you doing it. 900 00:48:38,120 --> 00:48:40,080 Watch other people who do it, and then 901 00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:42,350 go up and thank them for doing it. 902 00:48:42,350 --> 00:48:44,450 I have a background in behavior management, 903 00:48:44,450 --> 00:48:48,580 and reinforcement theory, and it's what we do. 904 00:48:48,580 --> 00:48:51,700 If I get reinforced for doing something, 905 00:48:51,700 --> 00:48:56,060 I'm more likely to engage in that behavior in the future. 906 00:48:56,060 --> 00:49:01,900 And then here's number five, exceed expectations. 907 00:49:01,900 --> 00:49:04,740 Don't just meet them but exceed them. 908 00:49:04,740 --> 00:49:08,400 So in my area, in Philadelphia area 909 00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:11,640 and south, like down through Virginia, 910 00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:15,710 there is a chain of convenience stores called Wawa. 911 00:49:15,710 --> 00:49:17,920 How many know what Wawa is? 912 00:49:17,920 --> 00:49:18,420 Yay. 913 00:49:18,420 --> 00:49:22,630 The rest of you are really out of luck because I love Wawa. 914 00:49:22,630 --> 00:49:24,230 I don't know what it is about a Wawa, 915 00:49:24,230 --> 00:49:26,720 but if our congregations could be like Wawa, 916 00:49:26,720 --> 00:49:28,150 I wouldn't need to be here. 917 00:49:28,150 --> 00:49:29,760 People hold the door open. 918 00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:31,240 They say thank you, everybody. 919 00:49:31,240 --> 00:49:32,970 I don't know if it's the coffee or what. 920 00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:36,180 It's kind of like a 7-Eleven, but it's better. 921 00:49:36,180 --> 00:49:40,030 Years ago, Wawa introduced a touch screen 922 00:49:40,030 --> 00:49:43,880 where you can order deli items and sandwiches and stuff. 923 00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:46,790 And so I'm not real good with technology, 924 00:49:46,790 --> 00:49:51,110 and I'm hitting the buttons, and I'm getting lost, and like, 925 00:49:51,110 --> 00:49:53,870 receipts are spitting out. 926 00:49:53,870 --> 00:49:55,980 And the person behind the counter, a young man, 927 00:49:55,980 --> 00:49:57,424 saw I was having trouble. 928 00:49:57,424 --> 00:49:58,590 And he said, can I help you? 929 00:49:58,590 --> 00:50:00,214 And I said, yeah, I want to start over, 930 00:50:00,214 --> 00:50:02,610 but I don't know how to go back to the beginning. 931 00:50:02,610 --> 00:50:05,090 So he said, hold on one second. 932 00:50:05,090 --> 00:50:06,760 He finished, took just a moment. 933 00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:08,009 He finished what he was doing. 934 00:50:08,009 --> 00:50:10,700 He came around the counter, came up next to me, 935 00:50:10,700 --> 00:50:13,650 and said, let me show you how to reset it, hit the buttons 936 00:50:13,650 --> 00:50:14,370 and stuff. 937 00:50:14,370 --> 00:50:16,220 Then he said, what do you want to order? 938 00:50:16,220 --> 00:50:17,761 And I told him, and he said, well let 939 00:50:17,761 --> 00:50:20,050 me show you how to order that, took me through that. 940 00:50:20,050 --> 00:50:21,000 The receipt came up. 941 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,430 He ripped it off, handed it to me, and said, 942 00:50:23,430 --> 00:50:24,340 you go pay for that. 943 00:50:24,340 --> 00:50:29,090 I'll have it ready for you when you get back. 944 00:50:29,090 --> 00:50:32,780 I love Wawa. 945 00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:35,140 Not only did he meet my expectation. 946 00:50:35,140 --> 00:50:37,510 He exceeded it three times. 947 00:50:37,510 --> 00:50:40,080 He could've said, well, hit that thing behind the counter. 948 00:50:40,080 --> 00:50:42,440 But he came around the counter, and he showed me 949 00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:44,860 how to reset it in case I screw the thing up 950 00:50:44,860 --> 00:50:46,350 again in the future. 951 00:50:46,350 --> 00:50:47,092 That was first. 952 00:50:47,092 --> 00:50:49,050 Then second he said, what do you want to order? 953 00:50:49,050 --> 00:50:50,780 And he showed me how to order it. 954 00:50:50,780 --> 00:50:54,140 And then he ripped it off and just nice as you can, 955 00:50:54,140 --> 00:50:55,750 he said, you go pay for that. 956 00:50:55,750 --> 00:50:57,720 I'll have it ready for you. 957 00:50:57,720 --> 00:50:59,860 He not only met my expectations. 958 00:50:59,860 --> 00:51:01,330 He exceeded them. 959 00:51:01,330 --> 00:51:04,000 And that's what we need to be doing in our congregations. 960 00:51:04,000 --> 00:51:08,060 What a delightful way to engage with people. 961 00:51:08,060 --> 00:51:13,530 So Carl, could you come up here for a second? 962 00:51:13,530 --> 00:51:17,120 I'm going to pick on Carl because I know him. 963 00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:19,920 I'm going to try something with you, OK? 964 00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:21,290 This is Carl, everyone. 965 00:51:21,290 --> 00:51:24,190 Audience: Hi Carl. 966 00:51:24,190 --> 00:51:27,680 Mark Bernstein: OK, so, who said Carl everyone? 967 00:51:27,680 --> 00:51:28,864 They're waving. 968 00:51:28,864 --> 00:51:29,690 Wave back. 969 00:51:29,690 --> 00:51:30,890 Wow, they get it. 970 00:51:30,890 --> 00:51:32,336 They get it. 971 00:51:32,336 --> 00:51:33,300 You like us. 972 00:51:33,300 --> 00:51:36,520 You really like us. 973 00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:38,100 OK, so here's the scenario, Carl. 974 00:51:38,100 --> 00:51:40,270 We're eating together, you and I, 975 00:51:40,270 --> 00:51:42,700 and I ask you to pass the bread. 976 00:51:42,700 --> 00:51:44,206 What do you do? 977 00:51:44,206 --> 00:51:45,642 Carl: I'd probably pass the bread. 978 00:51:45,642 --> 00:51:47,350 Mark Bernstein: You would pass the bread. 979 00:51:47,350 --> 00:51:48,270 OK. 980 00:51:48,270 --> 00:51:49,861 What else? 981 00:51:49,861 --> 00:51:51,360 Carl: I think that's all I would do. 982 00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:52,340 Mark Bernstein: That's all you would do? 983 00:51:52,340 --> 00:51:52,710 Carl: Yeah, I think so. 984 00:51:52,710 --> 00:51:53,920 Mark Bernstein: You wouldn't do anything else. 985 00:51:53,920 --> 00:51:54,430 Carl: Mm-hmm. 986 00:51:54,430 --> 00:51:56,888 Mark Bernstein: You have failed this experiment, my friend. 987 00:51:56,888 --> 00:51:57,929 Carl: I'm afraid so. 988 00:51:57,929 --> 00:51:59,345 Mark Bernstein: What else, Bonnie? 989 00:51:59,345 --> 00:52:00,730 Bonnie: Butter. 990 00:52:00,730 --> 00:52:04,570 Mark Bernstein: You would pass the butter, why? 991 00:52:04,570 --> 00:52:06,550 Because I might need it. 992 00:52:06,550 --> 00:52:08,210 Because I might need it. 993 00:52:08,210 --> 00:52:09,090 Pass the salt. 994 00:52:09,090 --> 00:52:10,740 Yeah, here's the salt and the pepper, 995 00:52:10,740 --> 00:52:12,650 because you might decide you want pepper. 996 00:52:12,650 --> 00:52:15,840 It's exceeding our expectations. 997 00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:17,970 It's caring enough about each other 998 00:52:17,970 --> 00:52:20,910 so we're anticipating what people's needs might be. 999 00:52:20,910 --> 00:52:22,440 You didn't fail this, Carl. 1000 00:52:22,440 --> 00:52:23,950 You passed with flying colors. 1001 00:52:23,950 --> 00:52:25,140 Bonnie: Thank you, Carl. 1002 00:52:25,140 --> 00:52:31,730 Mark Bernstein: Thank you, Carl. 1003 00:52:31,730 --> 00:52:34,280 Actually, I really want really good evaluations, 1004 00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:39,340 so I'm-- creating civil congregations requires that we 1005 00:52:39,340 --> 00:52:42,720 not only meet each other's needs but that we exceed them. 1006 00:52:42,720 --> 00:52:45,770 It means not just responding to the obvious 1007 00:52:45,770 --> 00:52:49,090 but anticipating what the other might need. 1008 00:52:49,090 --> 00:52:52,440 How can we not be civil toward each other in an environment 1009 00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:56,500 where that is happening routinely? 1010 00:52:56,500 --> 00:53:00,660 So these are the five strategies. 1011 00:53:00,660 --> 00:53:02,720 Wave first. 1012 00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,710 Practice accountability. 1013 00:53:04,710 --> 00:53:06,120 Pay attention. 1014 00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:08,180 Praise and appreciate. 1015 00:53:08,180 --> 00:53:11,720 And exceed expectations. 1016 00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:13,875 This isn't rocket science. 1017 00:53:13,875 --> 00:53:15,750 Although I don't know what rocket science is, 1018 00:53:15,750 --> 00:53:17,150 maybe this is rocket science. 1019 00:53:17,150 --> 00:53:19,810 I don't know. 1020 00:53:19,810 --> 00:53:22,380 But it does mean changing the culture, 1021 00:53:22,380 --> 00:53:24,920 shifting to a new way of being together. 1022 00:53:24,920 --> 00:53:27,460 And it begins with you, the leaders. 1023 00:53:27,460 --> 00:53:33,880 It means being proactive, taking risks, being role models. 1024 00:53:33,880 --> 00:53:36,150 Let me just share with you, these are the sources 1025 00:53:36,150 --> 00:53:38,410 that I used because I wanted to acknowledge them. 1026 00:53:38,410 --> 00:53:42,390 And let me just really quickly close with this. 1027 00:53:42,390 --> 00:53:46,210 Writer Peggy Tabor Millin writes about watching raindrops 1028 00:53:46,210 --> 00:53:50,450 on her window and noticing how two separate drops pushed 1029 00:53:50,450 --> 00:53:55,990 by the wind, merge into one for a moment and then divide again, 1030 00:53:55,990 --> 00:53:59,190 each carrying with it a part of the other. 1031 00:53:59,190 --> 00:54:04,960 By that momentary touching, neither was what it was before. 1032 00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:08,970 So it is in our encounters with each other. 1033 00:54:08,970 --> 00:54:13,490 Peggy Tabor Millin wrote, "We never touch people so 1034 00:54:13,490 --> 00:54:17,430 lightly that we do not leave a trace." 1035 00:54:17,430 --> 00:54:18,600 Isn't that lovely? 1036 00:54:18,600 --> 00:54:20,970 If we remember this always, we live 1037 00:54:20,970 --> 00:54:23,870 lives of civility and kindness and respect. 1038 00:54:23,870 --> 00:54:27,960 We live out every day our Unitarian Universalist faith. 1039 00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:29,643 Thank you all for being with me. 1040 00:54:29,643 --> 00:54:31,356 [APPLAUSE] 1041 00:54:31,356 --> 00:54:43,811